Reflective Thoughts

When I woke up yesterday morning it was gray outside and drizzly. I was cozy in my bed, so I laid in bed for a while and listened to the new songs I added to my ever growing iTunes last night. Most of them were kind of sad songs, or at least that's what most people listening to them would think. I, however, find some meaning in them, I hear the emotion, connect myself to the song and what it's trying to say. They were putting me in a reflective mood. I thought of the last year of my life. How I've changed, grown as a person. I thought of people that came into my life, the experiences, both good and bad, that really taught me a lot that I wouldn't trade for anything, the handful of regrets that linger in the back of my mind and probably will for quite some time. The end result is that I am ultimately a different person. I might look the same, and generally act the same, but inside I am different. Moments that I said and acted in ways that were "so not me" became more frequent. I was bolder than I have probably ever been before. Friends commented that the change was a good thing. That saying and doing things that were "so not me" maybe really were the person I was inside and I was finally finding myself.

I admit, I'm still scared about a lot of things. Especially with this ongoing job hunt. I'm scared that I won't know what I'm doing when I get one. I'm scared that I'm not going to get the chance to be good at a job because no one is wanting to take a chance on me. In these moments of doubt and fear, I need to remember the chances I took in the last year, whether they lead me to what I wanted or just made me learn a lesson, however harsh it was, and the brave girl behind the chances.

Again with my quotes, I of course have some to throw in here:

"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." ~W. Somerset Maugham

"When in doubt, make a food of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell. Leap." ~Cynthia Heimel, "Lower Manhattan Survival Tactics"

"If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances." ~Julia Sorel (Rosalyn Dexter), "See How She Runs," 1978

I have lots more I could throw in here, but I'll save it for a quote of the day series I may as well start on here, given that I have so many quotes.

Back to my original point before I kind of got off track. I feel like since coming back home, being away from friends, not having a job or school, that this changed self is slowly going away...I find it harder to recognize my life now. I wonder if I was in a coma for the last 4 years. I feel like I am back in high school and it was all just a dream. That nothing has changed, and I am still the super shy girl I was in high school. I feel like my parents still expect me to ask before I go do anything, that I can't just go off and do as I please, despite the fact that I'm 22 and have been living on my own for 4 years. It's like I'm 16 again and the independence I had for 4 years means nothing.

If I could even just hear back from somewhere for an interview. I haven't interviewed anywhere since August, though I have applied places in the last few weeks. It would just be a help to at least get to interview and be rejected from that instead of complete silence, not even the usual courtesy email hotels send out going 'Thanks for applying but we are going with someone more qualified than you' that I usually get.

So readers, here's to hoping I hear from someplace soon so that I can wake up from this coma. Let me find the job that I am meant to have and not be afraid to take a chance and apply for it, and move, if need be, to wherever it is.