So, it's obviously been a while since I last blogged. I'm sure most people figured that this blog was dead, which to be honest, I thought so too sometimes. But there's a reason for my crazy long sabbatical. Several reasons, actually.
I feel like I should share this,though I will try to condense it down, which is hard since I like things with details. You can also look at it as "Why My 24th Year of Life Should Be Erased," but I know that these particular struggles are part of me and contribute to who I am now. I'm going to put out a disclaimer that this is going to be a long post and I do apologize. Scan read if you want to get the jist of things, I just feel like I need to get it out there. My own personal form of therapy, I suppose.
When I last blogged, it was Valentine's Day of 2012. I wrote that I didn't think of being single as defining me and was happy to focus on me. Funny thing about that, when you aren't looking, someone appears. He appeared two days after I made that post.
Because I neither had much time or desire to go scour bars for a date, I turned to what is becoming increasingly common among singles out there, online dating. Not quite how I had imagined meeting someone, and spoiler alert here, as I am unattached, I still suppose it's not necessarily the only way I'll meet someone, but there he was. We emailed back and forth for about two weeks before exchanging numbers. First night we spoke off of email ended up texting til like 2am, despite his having work in the morning, and us deciding to meet up for drinks the next evening. In that first week, we went out 3 times. It was easy conversation, there was attraction, I smiled a lot. I wondered if these good vibes were what all those rom-coms I enjoyed watching were based on.
Now if you start dating someone around your birthday, it's tricky. Do you tell them your plans and invite them, which opens up the step of meeting a good amount of your friends when you are barely getting to know each other, or not mention it at all? I went with telling and inviting, but only if he wanted to, no pressure if he couldn't make it because of working late (which ended up being what happened). He did check in during the day, when I was at dinner, and then waited up til 1:30am to check if I got home alright since there was definitely endless pitchers of sangria at dinner. I entered my 24th year optimistic that it was going to be a great one.
That turned out to be a bit of a joke.
The very next day was going good. The day passed rather uneventfully and in the evening I went to work to pick up my paycheck. While there I get a text from one brother to call the other. I panic immediately, because something has to be wrong. The baby that was due in June had passed and the family was on the way to the hospital. I was minutes away from the hospital and sped over, praying that maybe it was wrong, maybe it wasn't true. I got to the hospital after my parents and was waiting for my other brother and sister in law to arrive before going in, but as I walked towards the hospital I saw my brother with my parents and knew that no, this wasn't a dream, it wasn't wrong. I texted friends I knew would pray for us as we sat in the dim lobby. I choose to believe that God told the boy (yes he can be called that because even though he was older, his ultimate actions are that of a child), that I needed something at that moment, because my phone lit up with his name on the screen. I answered, and explained where I was, and he offered kind words and comfort, and stayed up texting me while I was there and when I went to brother's house to stay with his dog for the night until I was able to sleep. The next day, I didn't go to work, opting to be in and out of sleep all day. Once he found I hadn't gone to work when he texted me from his hike adventure with friends, he checked in every hour to see if I was ok. I was amazed that in a short time of knowing one another, to have that kind of support at such a delicate time.
So we kept dating. The family worked through the shock, but as the family is, got through it together. We had a service for her. I started an internship while continuing to work retail. It was kind of a lot to balance the two jobs, but I made it work. Thought things were going ok again and sort of getting back to normal. I returned the favor of emotional support for a family crisis for him. I went to Stagecoach the last weekend of April, feeling good, spending the evening before I left with the boy, making some plans for when I got back.
May 1st, day after I got back, grandfather passed away. Found it to be cancer that had invaded his liver, a silent attack, that due to his Alzheimer's, couldn't express if he had been in pain or not feeling well. My regret is that I was gone that weekend and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, but I believe I will see him again. I didn't talk to anyone really that day. In the evening, I sent the boy a message as to what happened since I didn't think I could say the words. Nothing. Days passed and I heard nothing. SERIOUSLY? So not only do I have death going on, but I get to have a cowardly breakup to go with it? Classy guy right there. I had an alumni event that I went to days after this happened, and that was a poor choice. I just felt emotionally not ok, but the 2 hour drive to and from San Diego listening to sad music was therapeutic. With the encouragement of friends, I sent a message to the boy, letting him know that he was a jerk and a coward for doing the one thing we both said we wouldn't do-the disappearing act and that I deserved WAY better than that. It was my form of closure, which to this day goes unanswered, which is so much worse than just saying "Hey, I don't think we should see each other anymore."
In August I ended my internship. I am grateful for what I learned there, but I was trying to find a full time job.
Around November, I started having weird leg pain. It was mostly behind my knee, but in my calf as well. I finally went to the doctor, and I asked her the possibility of it being a blood clot, since my brother's first showed up when he was 22. She said that wasn't possible and without much examination, decided it was "probably just a cyst" and very common.
The pain didn't go away, it becoming increasingly more difficult to walk. Since at Christmas I help run the front end line at work, I wasn't in pain standing there, but if I sat and rested it, getting back up again was very painful. I went to Disneyland a few days before Christmas and, not going to lie, that was kind of rough just because of leg pain. Christmas Eve, I worked the morning and was off at 5pm. That evening when I was home with the family, I lifted my pant leg up and my brother Paul, who has had blood clots for years, noted that my leg was swollen. He poked my ankle and it pitted some, which he said I should probably go to the doctor again.
In January, I managed to get the last appointment with my doctor on 1/18/13. By the time that appointment came, I had a lump on my calf that hurt if pressure was put on it and you could see on my leg. This time she poked that some, then decided that an X-ray and ultrasound were finally in order. I had to go to Baldwin Park Kaiser, since it was a full hospital to get an ultrasound in the vascular surgery depeartment. I had to wait for their office to call me for an appointment, and the scheduled it for 1/25/13.
That day came and I went in to find it was only a consult with a physician's assistant and a vascular surgeon to determine if I needed an ultrasound. They had no idea what the lump on my leg was, and thought that since they could feel something, that it couldn't be a deep blood clot, but a superficial one that would clear on it's own, so to take a NSAID round the clock for 3 days and do warm compresses and scheduled me to get an ultrasound on February 18th.
They made it seem like there was nothing to be concerned about, so when February 18th rolled around, I didn't eat breakfast since I had the first appointment of the day for ultrasound and the following consult with the surgeon. Mom took me to the appointment with the promise of going out for breakfast after. I was the only one in the waiting area & called in for the ultrasound. It was a guy a few years older than myself. It was a dark room and I was laying on the table with the sheet covering from my stomach to mid thigh and he took his ultrasound wand and went groin to ankle on the inside then back up the outside of my leg. He didn't say anything really, which now I realize should have been my warning sign, and when I was done and dressed he said to just go back to waiting room. When they called me back, Mom asked if I wanted her to come with, but I said no, it was probably going to be fine and a quick in and out.
Wrong. The doctor came in and just stood there staring at my legs. And he just looked at me and said "We didn't think this was going to be what we found at all," and went on to tell me I had a deep vein thrombosis (blood clot) in my thigh and the best course was to check into the hospital overnight and let them do a few more tests, but I could do outpatient as well, but would have to come back if tests showed clots elsewhere. I may have been 24, but I asked for my mommy and he went out into the waiting room to get her. She said it was just a night so I could do that. So I consented and within minutes was up in a patient room, getting hooked up to an IV, told I couldn't eat or drink anything until they said so, and getting turned into a pin cushion with all the blood tests the lab kept coming in to take.
One of the things I had to get done was get a CT-scan to see how far up the clot went. They said if it was just in the leg, then I'd just be started on blood thinners, learn to give myself supplemental heparin shots and sent home the next day. If it was in my pelvis or higher, that would equal a week long stay and a more radical course of treatment. I got the scan (really weird sensation from the dye they inject into your body) and waited a long time for results. Since Mom hadn't eaten either and I wanted some socks & a sweatshirt if I was going to stay all night, I sent her home while waiting. When the doctor came in, the news was that the clots went up into my pelvis and I had a team prepping down in radiology for an angioplasty. I was alone for this news, so immediately text my brothers at work, as well as my friend in nursing school that called and texted me frantically after I put up on Facebook that I was going to be staying overnight. She kind of talked me through why they were doing it since I got lost in medical talk & partially stopped listening out of fear. Then my other friend Jo, who's grandmother was in the same hospital as a patient in ICU, texted me and I told her what was happening. She called her mom and stepdad to go to me. My parents and her parents arrived the same time my wheelchair ride down did, so they prayed over me and we all went down to radiology.
I have no idea how long the surgery took, even though I was fully awake for it. When I was out, my parents came in the hold area while they got me a room in the ICU. I had a tube placed in my vein to blast heparin directly to the clots to thin them, which meant that I had to keep my leg perfectly straight at all times, so had to lay on my back, which is so not comfortable. My brother Bradley and sister in law Christie had come to the hospital as well, so rode to ICU with me and the parents. Since it was just about 7pm, they couldn't stay long, since ICU was closed from 7am-10am and 7pm-9pm for visitors. Mom left but came back that night to stay with me.
ICU was an experience. I got blood tests every 3 hours, which meant every 3 hours they came in to stab me and take blood, but since they couldn't find veins for some reason and blood thinners make you bruise like a peach, my hand was purple the next day. I had heart monitors, blood pressure monitors, 4 IV lines (2 in the arm, 2 in the leg), a catheter, all the fun stuff. The nurses would all come in and say "But you are so young, you are awake, why are you here?" since everyone else on the floor was unconscious and significantly older then me. Because I had to go down the next day to check if the clot was dissolved, that meant no food until the tube was out of me. Since I hadn't eaten since noon on Sunday, I had a massive headache to go along with all that. My nurse gave me morphine, but no sleep for me since they came in so often to take blood, and my nurse felt it necessary to wash my face at 5am.
After 3 days in ICU, they removed the IVs in my leg and I no longer had to lay on my back and was allowed to get up and move around. I moved the their step down unit and was finally given food. After spending an overnight there, I was transferred to a regular room where they assumed I'd be for a day or two. Turned out I was there a whole extra week since they were having issues getting my blood thin enough. They'd up my dosage and my blood level would get thicker. I cannot thank my friends and family enough for visiting me during the whole ordeal. From calls/texts when I said I was going to be spending an overnight, then visits starting the very next day. Bringing me food when I was allowed to have food again. Sending chocolates and balloons, bringing me flowers. But there was hardly a day that went by that I had no visitors at all. I felt the love and support from them all. Finally March 1st, I was released back into the real world.
Being a week before my 25th birthday, I was really struggling with this sudden change of status in my life. I was facing the potential of a lifetime of medication, a serious issue. What would this mean for my future? Would I be out of luck if I ever wanted to have a child? Would I even find someone that would accept this detail about me? It's a small thing in that it's controllable and no one can tell by looking at you that something is wrong, yet it's a huge thing at the same time. Emotions of the unknown, combined with my already panicked feelings of not having accomplished what I thought I would at the impending age of 25 had me in a relatively dark place. I was mad at God. I didn't understand why this had happened. Why my efforts to change what I didn't like were going to dead ends. I made no plans to celebrate any aspect of my birthday and spent it sitting on the couch doing nothing, until my friend came and took me for a birthday pizookie.
A few weeks after that, on St. Patrick's day, Jo took me to a small Christian young adult group game night. Everyone there was welcoming and nice and friendly. It was the environment and the people that I needed to be around. I went each week that I was able to, and although I was very quiet and reserved, every week it was 'So glad you were here' which helped boost my spirits and I am so grateful to them all. I will admit I haven't seen many of them since July as my work schedule changed to working every Sunday (a Sunday only job will do that) but hope that once that job is over I can go back and surround myself with these amazing individuals again.
This past spring brought joys to our family. First my oldest brother and his wife had a successful IVF treatment and were expecting. Then, after being suspicious on Easter, it was confirmed that my other brother and wife were also expecting, they were having a boy and would be due before my other brother. So this July we welcomed Stephen Szeto Hutchins and in September we welcomed Nathan Burton Hutchins. We have been so incredibly overwhelmed with love for these two little boys. I'm so excited that they are going to have one another to grow up with and have as an almost sibling,. I can't believe they are 5 months and 3 months as I write this. Time flies with them growing and changing everyday.
This summer also brought a job opportunity for me that I applied for without overthinking the way I normally do. Through my brother's friend, I got a job working for the NFL. Yes, that NFL. Most people look at me and go 'The NFL as in......?" and I confirm the National Football League. The one that brings you football every Sunday, Monday and Thursday. On the surface level, I have every man's dream job. I get paid watching football games. But I do actually do other things than watch the game. We look for drops of feed, check radio feeds, mobile feeds, chat with customer support for any issues they've seen, check issues Twitter users tweet at us. When I work in the evenings I check that games' archives post properly. I went into this job with basically no knowledge of football, but I've definitely picked it up and like watching it. My mother said they should be concerned when I was sitting here cheering on a team and being aware of what was going on. My brothers have never been more proud of me. Only took 25 years to earn the love of my older brothers. (Kidding, they loved me when I was really little and stupid so would get them things and do everything for them because I didn't know better. So maybe it's been like 15 years. Haha Kidding again, I know they love me even if they don't outright say so).
So here we are, days before the end of 2013, which although started roughly, has been pretty amazing overall. After more blood tests spread out over a few months, it was determined that the May-Thurner Syndrome (a physical abnormality of my veins) they believe caused the initial clots combined with thicker than normal blood I apparently have, that I will be on blood thinners for life as a precaution to having to go through this again. I was reassured multiple times that I would still be able to have children, there are safe alternatives to Coumadin for me to take that would not harm a baby. I even found forums online of mothers that have safely had children having blood clotting issues so I feel better about that knowing that although rare, I'm not the only one.
I survived another Christmas in retail, much easier when you your leg isn't in complete pain for the whole season, but came the the conclusion that this has to be the last one. I know I can do so much more, even if I don't know where to start, I know that I need to take some risks and get out there and fight like crazy to get what I want and be happy. Life is too short to spend it sitting around waiting for change. (Sorry for an end of the year cliche, but I'm lacking any creative way of putting it). A suggestion that's been made to me many times I decided to finally research and more seriously consider: selling baked goods at farmer's markets. It may not happen until next fall or whatever, but it doesn't hurt to save and try. If it doesn't go well, then I'll know and not be holding out hope of opening a bakery because I learn it's not for me. I want to improve my decorating skills as well prior to doing this since presentation really makes a difference when it comes to baked goods.
One of the other things I have in mind for 2014 is travel. I haven't really taken a vacation in a long time. I've saved money up the last few years and hope that watching prices and such, I can possibly go and see somewhere I've never been before. I have so many places I want to see and would be willing to go to, so it will probably just come down to the best deal I can find.
Thanks for listening..er..reading my ramblings on the last almost two years from my last post. It helps to get it out there, even though many find it odd to share such personal details with the world. It was therapeutic to get it out there and maybe if we haven't talked in a while, this catches you up to my life more so than a simple status update on Facebook does. Stay tuned for a revival on the blog. I'm hoping to get back into it, improve my writing/narrative skills in case that novel I started in college ever has a hope of becoming a reality. If not, one of my friends and I have decided I could probably have some sort of stand up routine/write a script of some sort based on my life and both our dating lives out of the sheer ridiculousness of most of the situations we have had. Oh and the many stories you get from multiple years in retail. I mean don't get me wrong, customer service is definitely interesting, was essentially what I majored in, and you can meet some really amazing people (I have favorite customers), but sometimes it's mind blowing what people convince themselves of & will fight to the ground about it all and then expect me to grovel at their feet. If you are mad the price of the jam you like went up, I'm sorry but I didn't raise the price and I'm sorry if you feel like you don't want to shop here anymore because of it, but there isn't much I can do about it. (Yes, that happened). The world no longer works on a haggling/barter system so I can't just raise or lower prices based on the behavior of the person standing before me.
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