200th Post!

200 posts. Amazing I've had that much to talk about really. I'm going to take this post to say thanks to those that keep this blog going.

~Thanks to family and friends for reading this blog, first of all. Without people in my life caring what's going around in my head, this blog would be rather pointless.

~Thanks to the media for providing me topics to rant or comment on, depending on my mood and the topic at hand.

~Thanks to Google, which allowed my public blog to come up in people's searches for key words or terms.

~Thanks to all the strangers out there who have come across my blog. No one knows this unless they've scrolled all the way to the bottom of the page, but there's a site meter I added on here to see who's reading the blog. No, I can't tell specifically who, so if anyone is stalking me out there, I don't know who you are, I just see areas where people are reading this and how they came across it, whether it was a Google search result, link from Facebook, link from siblings' blogs, or if you just straight out typed my address into the search engine. Some, I can guess, like if it came from San Diego and is from Facebook, well I know lots of people that could fit, but it's like 'Okay, college friends.' Or Norwalk is my brother & sis-in-law. But I'd like to take this moment to mention some of the more obscure places that I've come across.

-London, UK
-New Delhi, India
-Islamabad, Pakistan
-Pune, Maharashtra, India
-San Fernando, Pampanga, the Philippines
-Philippine, Benguet, the Philippines
-Chur, Graubunden, Switzerland
-Doha, Ad Dawhah, Qatar

Whoever you all are, very cool that you are reading this. Hope whatever it was you searched for and my blog came up was helpful or interesting.

Thanks again to all you readers. Please keep coming back and reading and giving me a reason to keep this going!

Blanking Out

So it's barely day 4 of this challenge and I already lack inspiration for a post. As a result, you are just going to get random thoughts running through my head right now.

~Commercial for the new movie "Burlesque" with Cher and Christina Aguilera...it just doesn't look good, but McSteamy (aka Eric Dane) is in it...I don't get why he has attached himself to the movie...I could help him make better movie choices. Eric Dane, if you are reading this, I'll be your agent....and let Patrick Dempsey know that I would represent him as well.

~The book I'm reading now has some interesting parallels to my own life....well, the character is like me at least, not the plot. Unless I unknowingly was an 'on the side' girl to a guy that ended up getting his girlfriend pregnant and am now dating a marquis that I met on a tour of an old mansion house in England, much like when Elizabeth Bennett encounters Mr. Darcy in her tour of Pemberley in "Pride & Prejudice." No, that's not me. What is me, is how the character is personality wise. She's a head in the clouds kind of girl, wanting the great romance of her life, wondering if the next guy she encounters is "The One" for her, desiring love letters, songs written for her, flowers, songs, etc. She even says that she has a "Mr. Darcy/Prince Charming complex," basing her expectations of guys on them. Even more striking was the point of the book where she is on vacation with her parents and grandmother after losing everything else in her life. The book said:

"....because as much as she loved her parents and grandmother, constant exposure to them at a time when her reserves were low was not ideal. It put her in a kind of limbo-she didn't know whether she was a grown-up with a responsible place in society or a child, a total screwup with no job, no boyfriend, and no morals, who should just stop trying and give up."

Well, ok, so I still have morals, but I've said it before, I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm 22, yet I feel 12. I have a degree, but since I have no job, I feel like a screwup. It's bound to get better, I know. It has to. It's just all the time that's passed since graduation...I can't believe the year is already ending. I feel like it was just...I don't know...February and I was working and going to school and having wonderful (since you can't tell via print, I'm being sarcastic on the wonderful) 490 projects to consume my time. And now, here we are, it's November, nearing the end of the year, I don't have a busy work & social life, and instead of never seeing family, I never see friends. What a difference 5 months makes, huh?

~Take 5 candy bars are the best thing ever. If only they weren't so hard to find when it isn't Halloween time.

~Pulling out old family movies makes me miss the family dinners we used to have where we'd go to someone's house and open gifts, cake & ice cream, etc. Note to siblings, maybe something we can aim to bring back in the future.

~Songs from choir practice tonight are rolling around my head. One has a very Christmas-y grand ending. Another, just these two lines are replaying: "Take my will and make it Thine/it is no longer mine/Take my life and let it be for Thee." I really like the one we are singing this week. It's the grand ending one. Most of the song is fast, but in the middle and end, it's a legato, rich sound, the harmony sounding like old classic hymns.

~Oprah commercial for the episode as a re-run tonight is of teen heartthrobs. And she's reuniting all 5 members of Backstreet Boys. For those of you unaware, Kevin Richardson, the oldest member left the group a while ago. The tween inside me is excited to watch this because I forgot to earlier.

Thanks for reading my random thoughts. I'll do better tomorrow.

How About a Song?

Before I give you the first of what will probably be many song suggestions, I have to share something. So yesterday's post was kind of a Debbie Downer one for me, full of doubt and putting down my own abilities and the decisions I've made about school, major, etc. Today I made a mental list of places to go to tomorrow to see if they are hiring for the holidays and plans with a friend to go to these places. Then another friend texted me and suggested I try and see about getting a job at the spa she just got hired at because she knows they want to hire for the holiday season.

But the biggest sign from I got, came in the form of a horoscope from TV Guide Magazine. I know, I know, a horoscope? Something I should take with a grain of salt, however I have found that sometimes my horoscope hits right on with whatever is going on with my life, and this was definitely one of those times. This is what it said:

"Don't worry if you've fallen short of your dreams. At least you're still working toward them, which is more than most can say. Keep striving, every day, and you'll eventually get there. Yes, it will happen."

Wow. How incredibly needed was that for me to hear after yesterday's post? So I'm going to keep trying, even if I get a job elsewhere. And maybe the spa is where I should be, because at least it's still hospitality related. Or heck, maybe I am supposed to go and work in retail for a bit. I don't know. But I have to have faith that I'll get where I want to be eventually.

Ok, on to the song. With over 1200 songs (I know, that's not a lot to many people with larger iPods, which allow for more songs to be held on them, but for a nano like mine, it's a lot...a little over 5gb, if you were wondering) plus ones that I don't yet have but hear on the radio, I have a lot to choose from.

For my first suggestion, I am going to recommend the newest from Sara Evans, called "A Little Bit Stronger." Don't dismiss country music people! There is some good music you are missing out on if you do. Anyway, yes it's about getting over someone after a breakup, which while I have not experienced, but it can work with guys I've liked (gosh that sounds so middle school...more so if I said 'had a crush on' but there's no other way to put it I guess), or just getting over a tough situation you've faced. It's just saying that with everyday, you become a stronger person than you were before and that you'll be ok when you come out of it.



Hope you like it, and if it's not your style of music, keep checking back, because there's plenty more songs for me to share with you.

Decision Time

You'd probably think with that title I'm going to talk about the election or something. Wrong! It's about job stuff.

So I need money, as the holidays are fast approaching, and jobs in my industry are few and not giving me a shot. While I continue to keep trying, it's definitely becoming trying. So I'm feeling that I have no other choice than to seek employment elsewhere. Be Christmas help somewhere, or a temp, but it's a hard decision to make.

How is that a hard decision? It's just that it's really hard as is trying to get into this industry, so going away from it might make it even harder. It just makes me wonder how much fighting am I going to have to do to even get a start in it and only perpetuates the nagging feeling that comes over me as to whether or not I made the right choice of major and such. And if I made the wrong choice, then what am I cut out to do?

I have this fear of never being good at anything. It's irrational, because there's bound to be something I'm good at. I just haven't had a chance to figure it out yet. And then comes the same question, will I ever? So what if I'm no good at my field? Other than having thousands in loans to pay off for a degree I don't get to use, it's like what am I supposed to do with my life? It's apparently a rule that if you already have a Bachelor's degree you can't go get another one. But if that's the case, then what if I'm trying to do something completely unrelated to my degree? I can't go get a Master's in a whole other field.

So again, it's time to decide what to do. I don't know what the future holds for me, who does? I know things that I would want to do and am interested in doing, but will I get the chance to do it? Only time will tell I suppose. Unless a billionaire comes and sweeps me off my feet and then I won't be under such pressure to get a job and can continue new hobbies I have picked up, and do volunteer work, and support non-profits and charities, because really, I want to feel good about what I do, and non-profits/charities would be just that. It's why I have been looking at hospitals to see if they have special events departments for fundraising and such.

Keep your fingers crossed, readers. If you have any advice, please comment and let me know. Leave me a suggestion for something I could do different maybe for job applications and such.

New Month, New Post

It's November, which begins a blog competition as to posting something every day for the whole month. My siblings and I usually take it one step further and go on with who can post every day for the longest. This little competition is why if you go back in my archives there's a massive amount of posts for November and into December.

I used to be able to discuss classes and finals and projects I was working on, but I don't really have that going on anymore. I can post every day where I have applied to work, but that would get as boring as it is to fill out the same things over and over again. I will say that some of those applications have some weird questions, or at least the order is a bit off. For example I was recently doing one that required me to do an online survey as part of it where it asked you to click 'Agree' or 'Disagree' to each question, and there were like 80-90 questions, and like question 71 was: 'I am able to read well enough to complete this survey.'

Um, shouldn't that have been one of the first questions? It's a bit late to be asking that question. It made me laugh, along with the question: 'I can count to 10.' Dear God I hope you can count to ten..I mean you can do that using your fingers.

With this month of blogging upon me, I figure that there will be a lot of random posts (what else is new there, though?) and song suggestions. I love music, all different kinds, and am open to suggestions if there are any songs you love and want to share your love of. I plan to post some songs and hopefully open you up to a new artist or song that you then love. But if there are any topics to suggest, please comment and let me know. Don't hold back, I'm open to suggestions. For anyone else trying this month long challenge, good luck to you and hope you don't run out of things to discuss.

Hot Topic: Bullying

So obviously one of the hot topics right now that all talk shows, morning news shows, celebrities, magazines, etc are doing stories about right now is bullying, and rightly so. There are 11/12 year olds out there, killing themselves because they are being bullied in school. Most of the stories emerging are ones of boys being outed as gay, and subsequently taking their lives, need I mention Tyler Clementi, the Rutgers freshman, the most recent of the stories to come out on bullying? It's awful that these pre-teens and young adults feel that's all there is. These young boys were tormented into feeling like outsiders and never got the chance to be out in the world where there are more accepting people than the small minded communities they found themselves in.

And don't think it's just boys facing this problem, and causing the problem. Girls are just as guilty. For some odd reason, girls are awful backstabbers that seem to get overlooked because they do things more underhanded. There was a scene in the movie, "Remember Me" that comes to mind. The character Caroline, is the 11 year old sister of Robert Pattinson's character, Tyler. She goes to a good school and is in love with art and drawing. In fact, she even has an art show at a gallery featuring her work. But because she is different, the other girls in her class make her life hell, culminating in inviting her to a slumber party, only to torment her and cut off her hair. Yes, I realize that's a movie, but there are girls that are really like that. Think "Mean Girls."

How do I know about girl bullying? Because I had my moments of being bullied. I won't go into specifics, mostly because it was so long ago and I am over it, and have been for a long time. I'll just say that I was a victim of the infamous 3-way call, a great way for damage to be done in girl world and it was by my supposed best friends. When it happened, it sucked. I was crushed. Luckily, I had people to turn to and years later I realize I'm a better person for that happening. I never wanted anyone to feel the way I did, and still don't.

There's something that you have to realize if you are being bullied, and that's this: YOU ARE BETTER THAN THEY ARE!!!!!!

Repeat that to yourself over and over. The only reason they are doing this is because they have some strange need to feel superior to others, which is probably due to low self-esteem. They are probably really insecure about themselves and are threatened by the fact that you are okay with yourself and who you are. You just can't let them get to you. If it's really bad, talk to someone, like a teacher or parent. Don't let it go on. And no matter how much the bullies try to pull you down, realize there's a whole world out there with people that aren't as ignorant as those around you that are giving you a hard time because of your differences. You can get out there and wave your freak flag, embrace your eccentricities, and you will find others out there that are like you and share your interests.


*Note, this is my first attempt at blogging a hot topic with great seriousness. I'm going to try and do these every once in a while, I just want people to think and consider this stuff. Feel free to comment on your thoughts on this, or other topics you might want to read about...I'm always open to suggestions.

Happy 10/10/10!

Random fact, but I like when things end in 5s and 10s. Also, in case you weren't aware, purple is my favorite color and I plan on having dark purple be my main color when I get married. Therefore, had I been at a different point in my life and had the opportunity, I would have chosen 10/10/10 as my wedding day with my bridesmaids in dark purple dresses.

Oddly enough, I worked a wedding today and the bride selected dark purple for her bridesmaids' dresses. So basically, she had the day I wanted and the color I would have used. What are the odds?

My brother suggested that I aim for 11/11/11 because that would be cooler. And my siblings have also suggested 12/12/12, but both of those would require me to basically get engaged like yesterday so that I'd have time to plan and book because no doubt those dates are going to be busy, much like I assume today has been. And since there's no chance of that happening, unless someone comes and sweeps me off my feet like soonish, which let's be realistic isn't going to happen, those dates will pass by me as well. However, since I like things ending in 5s, there's always 2015. Or in ten years I can have 2020, which could be cool too....but I'm not setting any limits or rules for myself. If I end up getting married in 2017, so be it, as long as I'm happy and with the person I can't live without, it obviously makes no difference what the year is.

Book Review: "One Day" by David Nicholls

First off, I loved this book. It's smart, which is something I have never said about a book before in my life. It's been described by others as a British version of "When Harry Met Sally...", which, I suppose is a pretty accurate surface description of the book. It is about a relationship between Dex and Emma, but the deeper meaning in it is the significance one day has on a life.

Dex and Emma meet the day after they graduate in 1988. As the book goes on, each chapter checks back in with them on that same day every year for 20 years. We see, as time goes on, what the importance of that day really is.

At first I was a bit nervous that the book would be choppy and awkward, but the idea of the story that spanned that long of a relationship made me curious to read it. Author David Nicholls did a good job of stringing together snapshots of the relationship over 20 years. The transitions were seamless. His writing style clues the reader in on what has gone on in the last year of their lives that puts them where they are now by weaving it into the narrative rather than pages of 'Here's what changed. Here's what went on in the year. Now look at what they are doing.'

I could relate to Emma in the beginning of the book, in her fresh out of college years. When the book starts, graduation was the day before, and she and Dex are having a conversation about their lives that lie ahead of them. It said,

"...feeling a ripple of anxiety pass across her shoulders at the thought of it: independent adult life. She didn't feel like an adult. She was in no way prepared. It was as if a fire alarm had gone off in the middle of the night and she was standing on the street with her clothes bundled up in her arms. If she wasn't learning, what was she doing? How would she fill the days? She had no idea."

Don't all graduates with no job lined up feel that way? And maybe even if they do have jobs lined up they feel like that. Since I am in the former category, I can't really speak for the later, but I assume they feel the same. In talking to some of my friends that have jobs, they still feel like 'Ok so I'm an adult and I can't just not go to work if I don't feel like it like I could with class,' and still feel it's kind of weird to be working rather than going to school. I like what Emma believes is the answer to her own question of how to fill up her days. She says,

"The trick of it,...is to be courageous and bold and make a difference. Not change the world exactly, just the bit around you. Go out there with your double first, (side note by me, that's the British way of saying a double major), your passion and your new Smith Corona electric typewriter (side note again, remember this is 1988 people, home computers, internet, all that stuff wasn't around like it is today) and work hard at...something. Change lives through art maybe. Write beautifully. Cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well. Experience new things. Love and be loved if at all possible...."

I wish I could tell you more about this book, but I want you to go pick up a copy and read it yourself. Anything else I could say might give something away. But I will say that at the end of it, I was touched and crying and it was just very real. There are some parts that are a little slow, and all you can think is, 'Are Dex and Emma going to get together or not?' but that's how real life is too. We have our dull moments, but then a lot happens all at once, good and bad, and you kind of wish for those moments of peace back.

I want to talk more on the idea behind it all, the significance one day has on a person's life, but I'll leave that for another time. Until then, go out, get a copy of this book and read it! I really enjoyed it, didn't want it to end, and can't wait for the movie. I hope you feel the same. I'll leave you with a blurb that 'USA Today' wrote on the coming movie, starring Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess.

Reflective Thoughts

When I woke up yesterday morning it was gray outside and drizzly. I was cozy in my bed, so I laid in bed for a while and listened to the new songs I added to my ever growing iTunes last night. Most of them were kind of sad songs, or at least that's what most people listening to them would think. I, however, find some meaning in them, I hear the emotion, connect myself to the song and what it's trying to say. They were putting me in a reflective mood. I thought of the last year of my life. How I've changed, grown as a person. I thought of people that came into my life, the experiences, both good and bad, that really taught me a lot that I wouldn't trade for anything, the handful of regrets that linger in the back of my mind and probably will for quite some time. The end result is that I am ultimately a different person. I might look the same, and generally act the same, but inside I am different. Moments that I said and acted in ways that were "so not me" became more frequent. I was bolder than I have probably ever been before. Friends commented that the change was a good thing. That saying and doing things that were "so not me" maybe really were the person I was inside and I was finally finding myself.

I admit, I'm still scared about a lot of things. Especially with this ongoing job hunt. I'm scared that I won't know what I'm doing when I get one. I'm scared that I'm not going to get the chance to be good at a job because no one is wanting to take a chance on me. In these moments of doubt and fear, I need to remember the chances I took in the last year, whether they lead me to what I wanted or just made me learn a lesson, however harsh it was, and the brave girl behind the chances.

Again with my quotes, I of course have some to throw in here:

"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." ~W. Somerset Maugham

"When in doubt, make a food of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell. Leap." ~Cynthia Heimel, "Lower Manhattan Survival Tactics"

"If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances." ~Julia Sorel (Rosalyn Dexter), "See How She Runs," 1978

I have lots more I could throw in here, but I'll save it for a quote of the day series I may as well start on here, given that I have so many quotes.

Back to my original point before I kind of got off track. I feel like since coming back home, being away from friends, not having a job or school, that this changed self is slowly going away...I find it harder to recognize my life now. I wonder if I was in a coma for the last 4 years. I feel like I am back in high school and it was all just a dream. That nothing has changed, and I am still the super shy girl I was in high school. I feel like my parents still expect me to ask before I go do anything, that I can't just go off and do as I please, despite the fact that I'm 22 and have been living on my own for 4 years. It's like I'm 16 again and the independence I had for 4 years means nothing.

If I could even just hear back from somewhere for an interview. I haven't interviewed anywhere since August, though I have applied places in the last few weeks. It would just be a help to at least get to interview and be rejected from that instead of complete silence, not even the usual courtesy email hotels send out going 'Thanks for applying but we are going with someone more qualified than you' that I usually get.

So readers, here's to hoping I hear from someplace soon so that I can wake up from this coma. Let me find the job that I am meant to have and not be afraid to take a chance and apply for it, and move, if need be, to wherever it is.

Missing School

So I've been out of school for a while now and I have to say, it's still weird. Around July, I was thinking about how I would normally be registering for classes around then. I was sad when I didn't get to buy a new planner after the one I had through July was complete. I didn't have a life to plan anymore. In August, I felt like I should have been starting school. In September, I felt like a huge part of me was missing. I felt like I should have been wandering around SDSU, going to classes, hanging out in the HTM office, meeting friends for lunch in East Commons, reading a book and drinking coffee at the turtle pond between classes. Don't get me wrong, there are things about school I don't miss, like tests, and endless projects that required you to coordinate work and class schedules of like 5 other people. I don't miss those things, but most other stuff I miss. Being introduced to new ideas, new books, randomly running into people on campus, especially ones you haven't seen in a long time and getting a chance to catch up with them, those are things I miss.

I've talked to people who graduated before me, whether it's been one year out or ten years out, they all say that sometimes it's still weird for them to not be at school. It gets easier, but it never fully goes away. It's nice to know I'm not alone in these feelings though.

If you know me, you know that I am a quote-a-holic. I have a book filled with quotes from books, movies, tv, famous people, even some song lyrics. They range in topics, majority being on love and friendship, but also on loss, change, school, books, music, a great many topics. In going through it this evening, I was on the quest for a quote that would fit this topic of missing school post graduation, and of course I found one that fits:

"It is indeed ironic that we spend our school days yearning to graduate and our remaining days waxing nostalgic about our school days." ~Isabel Waxman

So true. I know that all during high school I couldn't wait to get to college. Then in college, I couldn't wait to graduate and have the fabulous job, which also meant I had the cute apartment with a pet or two, and go out with friends for drinks after work. In my defense, the economy was a hell of a lot better when I started college, so the idea of having lots of job offers right out of college that would give me the dream job wasn't that far fetched as it is now. But here I am, out of school and I just want to be back there. I wish I could go back. I wish things could be the way they were before. I want a re-do. Maybe not of all 4 years, but at the very least senior year. I had an amazing senior year. I want the rewind button to go back and do senior year over again. Anyone know where to get that? The adult world isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's like Meredith said on "Grey's Anatomy" in season 1, "We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?"